i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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