i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
