Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
