Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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