seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
