I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
