Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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