I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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