I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
