Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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