Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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