I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
