Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
