if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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