just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize