like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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