Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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