Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize