I wish I could punch you in the face.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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