for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
