for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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