I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
