Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
pray to the hookup gods
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
