jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
