so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
