if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
