you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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