so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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