Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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