Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
