how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
