well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
