Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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