okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
