i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
