apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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