Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
