I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
