My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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