what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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