Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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