About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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