this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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