I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
