My hand turned me down
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
