Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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