She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
