Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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