If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
