bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
