so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
