I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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