Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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