Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
