There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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