the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
