Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
