Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
