my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
