my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
accomplished twins. life is a go
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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